Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Run Duck and Hide

Why does night time have to be so hard? Why does any of this have to be? Lately, all I have found to be easy is a moment in time each day at 6:45am. Upon Awakening home group. For this drunk it is nothing short of paradise. Bad jokes, bad coffee, stale donuts, stale drunks, peace, love and understanding. Then poof it all disappears and I'm there left to face this thing alone. I have come a long way only to realize that I have only reached the top of a false peak. It was a long and exhausting climb to here but now before me is yet another peak to climb. The terrain doesn't look any better either. I don't want to quit this life yet and I am not afraid of a good challenging test. But, can't I just get a second to catch a breath? I know this is all just emotional vomit. I'm just really in a funk and pity party and I can't seem to find the doorway out. Still sober and that's good but man do I really hate myself and this disease lately. Mostly because I've been such an asshole to live with and the people who make me the happiest run, duck and hide from me. The grouch and the brainstorm are living here lately. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but if it does, this drunk could use some advice. And, some sleep. I'll check you all tomorrow.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Miracle on the Hudson

As many of you have probably seen in the news there was a disaster averted yesterday on the Hudson river. A jetliner hit a flock of geese killing both engines. The well trained pilot perfectly set the plane down in the frigid Hudson river. The result was NO FATALITIES. All reports about the procedures he followed were described as textbook. One of the main things credited was his training in gliders at the Air Force Academy. Was God there? Of course He was. However I didn't see in any footage a giant mystical hand gracefully take an air bus and set it down safely. The crew calmly and efficiently did all things necessary for the best outcome possible. Looking at just the facts it would seem that God wasn't there at all, it was all human intervention. But, what went through the minds of the pilot and crew? Did they not meet calamity with serenity? They must have because imagine the result had they freaked out and panicked! Honestly who could have blamed them if they did. Only a trained, heightened yet calm state of mind allowed them to utilize their learned tools in the face of such powerlessnes . Speaking as an alcoholic who has had many disastrous water landings when my life was unmanageable and out of control, I am now gifted with The Promises (p.84 Big Book) After 12 steps out of misery I find that I too have moments where I intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle me and that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. The only human intervention into my recovery is deciding to do steps and go to meeting so that I will have the training to act appropriately as His instrument. I can now help bring serenity where there is calamity and know peace. That my friends is as much a miracle as any plane floating on a river. Am I a pilot who could safely crash land a plane? No, but I did go to an AA meeting last night! :)

Happy landings


Friday, January 9, 2009

Policing The Grounds

I heard a woman in meeting today describing her relapse and said that it started weeks before she took a drink. When I was new I heard that but it didn't resonate. Probably because I was just starting to clear my head. This time it hit me. I realized that I had been heading for a relapse myself because my emotional and spiritual well being were not being well tended to by me. Since my last chip and all the hoopla, my pendulum has swung back hard and swift. My service position was handed off to the next person and the need for me to get bananas and doughnuts to the meeting every morning was no longer there. The thought that maybe I could start sleeping in a little or even miss a meeting sounded good. After all, hadn't I really worked my butt off in this last year? My family has been so supportive. Didn't they deserve to have me at home on a Sat. morning? Wanna know what was wrong with those seemingly logical ideas? They were thought up in the brain of this alcoholic. My sponsor likes to quote me things from the BB. In listening to my description of this funk he just said, "Cunning, baffling, powerful." He then added, "AND patient!" My meeting attendance is back where it was when I was new and desperate. Probably because I am a bit desperate again and it worked the first time. I also remembered service is what did it even before I was the group snack mom. The first service I started doing for my home group and the church host of our meeting was to police the grounds for all the cigarette butts as I smoked mine. I looked around the ground yesterday after the meeting and saw the evidence that I had been taking off too much time. So began my policing the grounds again. New year-old job-felt better-that simple. Moral of the story? Keep my butt clean and I will probably stay sober. ;)

God Bless,
Smoked Fish

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Survivor Guilt

Here I sit 373 days sober. Had a great 1 year meeting a few days ago. My home group had wonderful things to say about me in front of my family and best friend, who attended their 1st meeting in my honor. I am struck at this point with a ton of gratitude for my gifts that I have before and after sobriety. However I find myself in a low spot. Why? Because I have great hurt in my heart for people whom I love that are still suffering from the same affliction I had. When the wreckage I caused sent my life in a downward spiral I would curse God and say, "Why me?" Now I have cleared the drinking problem and have the opportunity to work on my spiritual salvation and continue working on my emotional sobriety. As I reflect on the reprieve I am given I now beg God, "Why me?" My wife who loves me and sees the best in me becomes irritated and says, "Because, why NOT you?" I have barely been able to save my own skin but somehow I find it justifiable to ride around on my white horse rescuing all the drunks I know and love. All the while I can't just feel good and deserving about my own sobriety. My sponsor at this point would invoke the description, "Egomaniac with an inferiority complex." Please feel free to shed any light on this if you please. Love and tolerance is our code. I think today I'll pray to apply that to the drunk I know the best.
God be with us today