Outward expression of an inward desire

This is my new tattoo! It says, "We will not regret the past nor whish to shut the door on it."p.83BB The reason I chose this phrase and symbol is because the circle/triangle is exactly the same as my fraternity in college. Some of my most storied drunkalogs took place at this time. When first starting AA I really regreted those lost years. Now I am thankful for them because it has put me in a unique position to 12 step two of my fraternity brothers(and hopefully more). Also, it turns out my new sponsee went to college with me but we never knew it. All of it has allowed me to be of service in His plan. The results of that have been far greater than any I have tried to direct all on my own.
Your greatful drunk frat boy,
Fish

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater

Yet again I have been away too long. My in laws have been visiting my family and company seems to take away all free time. This trip for them was my first opportunity to work my amends with them. I didn't come right out and say, "I'm on a new path with the help of AA and I'm sorry for any distress I may have caused you knowing your daughter was married to an alcoholic like me." (However, that is how I played it out in my head in one long run on sentance:) They were aware that I was going to meetings and had been sober for just over a year, but that was about it. I thought the best way for me to show them that things were better now, for their daughter and grandchildren, was to be subservient and subdued as best as I could be. Unfortunately, that's not my normal demeanor and basically not me. My father in law was up every day early having coffee as I proudly raced off each morning to home group. "Again? You just went yesterday", he said surprised but not condemning. I was so greatful to show proof of how dedicated I was. He probably didn't think twice about it, to this drunks disappoitment, because it's not all about me. As their visit went on we got to talk about my kids and what issues and challenges they had. I expressed great worry about my oldest daughter because I see too much of myself in her. She is always intense and trips over herself trying to make sure everybody approves of her. He said, "That's O.K. you two are intense people but look at what gets done because you guys are that way." He put his hand on my shoulder and added, "This world needs people like you in it!" I smiled and walked away because my eyes welled up with tears of relief. From that point on I came out of my self imposed shell to show all the extroverted, gregarious sides of my personality. Several laughs ensued amongst us after that. When their trip ended and we were shuttling them to the airport he turned to me in the car with a smile. "Tony, I want to wish you continued success with your group class thing you are involved with", he said in his most proper baritone voice. After they left I thought long and hard about all of the things that I have been trying to throw out for fear that everything about me was a character defect. Maybe that has been my problem all along. I have been the one deciding what is a defect instead of letting God decide. I'll try and have faith that He will let me know what is of value and what isn't. But mostly, how best to use it in service to Him!
Love ya miss ya
Fish

I'm back!

Wow been a while. Feels like I do when I am missing from home group for a while. I didn't know that my blogging had become so much a part of my treatment plan. I'm fortunate enough to know a blogging friend of ours in the real world and she keeps an eye on me. When I see her I'm reminded that I need to say hello to you all out there. I haven't been moved to write anything lately but I'll just let you in on my top 10 thankful for list for today.
10. I have recently been asked to be a sponsor.
9. The lessons of my first sponsor have been echoing louder in my head as I try to pass them on.
8. I have a new sponsor who I am learning new things from.
7. No compulsion to drink at a Superbowl party last night.
6. I am on vacation from work.
5. I have a job I have remained successful at even though I have this disease.
4. I attended a great funeral in support of a coworker and was able to be touched by a life I never knew.
3. I'm blessed to be the parent of two incredible personalities that teach me so much about myself.
2. I just had my 10yr wedding anniversary and year 11 looks like it is off to a great start.
1. I'm a sober member of A.A.

Fish

Run Duck and Hide

Why does night time have to be so hard? Why does any of this have to be? Lately, all I have found to be easy is a moment in time each day at 6:45am. Upon Awakening home group. For this drunk it is nothing short of paradise. Bad jokes, bad coffee, stale donuts, stale drunks, peace, love and understanding. Then poof it all disappears and I'm there left to face this thing alone. I have come a long way only to realize that I have only reached the top of a false peak. It was a long and exhausting climb to here but now before me is yet another peak to climb. The terrain doesn't look any better either. I don't want to quit this life yet and I am not afraid of a good challenging test. But, can't I just get a second to catch a breath? I know this is all just emotional vomit. I'm just really in a funk and pity party and I can't seem to find the doorway out. Still sober and that's good but man do I really hate myself and this disease lately. Mostly because I've been such an asshole to live with and the people who make me the happiest run, duck and hide from me. The grouch and the brainstorm are living here lately. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but if it does, this drunk could use some advice. And, some sleep. I'll check you all tomorrow.
Fish

Miracle on the Hudson

As many of you have probably seen in the news there was a disaster averted yesterday on the Hudson river. A jetliner hit a flock of geese killing both engines. The well trained pilot perfectly set the plane down in the frigid Hudson river. The result was NO FATALITIES. All reports about the procedures he followed were described as textbook. One of the main things credited was his training in gliders at the Air Force Academy. Was God there? Of course He was. However I didn't see in any footage a giant mystical hand gracefully take an air bus and set it down safely. The crew calmly and efficiently did all things necessary for the best outcome possible. Looking at just the facts it would seem that God wasn't there at all, it was all human intervention. But, what went through the minds of the pilot and crew? Did they not meet calamity with serenity? They must have because imagine the result had they freaked out and panicked! Honestly who could have blamed them if they did. Only a trained, heightened yet calm state of mind allowed them to utilize their learned tools in the face of such powerlessnes . Speaking as an alcoholic who has had many disastrous water landings when my life was unmanageable and out of control, I am now gifted with The Promises (p.84 Big Book) After 12 steps out of misery I find that I too have moments where I intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle me and that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. The only human intervention into my recovery is deciding to do steps and go to meeting so that I will have the training to act appropriately as His instrument. I can now help bring serenity where there is calamity and know peace. That my friends is as much a miracle as any plane floating on a river. Am I a pilot who could safely crash land a plane? No, but I did go to an AA meeting last night! :)

Happy landings

Fish

Policing The Grounds

I heard a woman in meeting today describing her relapse and said that it started weeks before she took a drink. When I was new I heard that but it didn't resonate. Probably because I was just starting to clear my head. This time it hit me. I realized that I had been heading for a relapse myself because my emotional and spiritual well being were not being well tended to by me. Since my last chip and all the hoopla, my pendulum has swung back hard and swift. My service position was handed off to the next person and the need for me to get bananas and doughnuts to the meeting every morning was no longer there. The thought that maybe I could start sleeping in a little or even miss a meeting sounded good. After all, hadn't I really worked my butt off in this last year? My family has been so supportive. Didn't they deserve to have me at home on a Sat. morning? Wanna know what was wrong with those seemingly logical ideas? They were thought up in the brain of this alcoholic. My sponsor likes to quote me things from the BB. In listening to my description of this funk he just said, "Cunning, baffling, powerful." He then added, "AND patient!" My meeting attendance is back where it was when I was new and desperate. Probably because I am a bit desperate again and it worked the first time. I also remembered service is what did it even before I was the group snack mom. The first service I started doing for my home group and the church host of our meeting was to police the grounds for all the cigarette butts as I smoked mine. I looked around the ground yesterday after the meeting and saw the evidence that I had been taking off too much time. So began my policing the grounds again. New year-old job-felt better-that simple. Moral of the story? Keep my butt clean and I will probably stay sober. ;)

God Bless,
Smoked Fish

Survivor Guilt

Here I sit 373 days sober. Had a great 1 year meeting a few days ago. My home group had wonderful things to say about me in front of my family and best friend, who attended their 1st meeting in my honor. I am struck at this point with a ton of gratitude for my gifts that I have before and after sobriety. However I find myself in a low spot. Why? Because I have great hurt in my heart for people whom I love that are still suffering from the same affliction I had. When the wreckage I caused sent my life in a downward spiral I would curse God and say, "Why me?" Now I have cleared the drinking problem and have the opportunity to work on my spiritual salvation and continue working on my emotional sobriety. As I reflect on the reprieve I am given I now beg God, "Why me?" My wife who loves me and sees the best in me becomes irritated and says, "Because, why NOT you?" I have barely been able to save my own skin but somehow I find it justifiable to ride around on my white horse rescuing all the drunks I know and love. All the while I can't just feel good and deserving about my own sobriety. My sponsor at this point would invoke the description, "Egomaniac with an inferiority complex." Please feel free to shed any light on this if you please. Love and tolerance is our code. I think today I'll pray to apply that to the drunk I know the best.
God be with us today
Fish