Fishstyx

News not brews

2010-04-14T12:18:00.000-07:00

Much has happened since I last posted. Sadly mostly Facebook wanderings. I have not seen my friend soberwomanofgod at a meeting in a long while so I though I would peek in on her blog. Wow I got a mention in her blog! And a favorable one at that! Thanks J.
My wife and I had an extreamly bad scare with my youngest daughter. A tumor was detected in her little body and the word cancer was tossed around all over the place. The Docs could find no other explanation for this rapidly growing growth. A long and dangerous surgery took place. A biopsy followed and we were blessed. A 1 in a trillion result happened....BENIGN! She is now a ballet class taking, mighty might soccer playing, fighting with her sister, won't eat her vegetables, little 5 yr old with a couple big scars on her tummy.
I also burried an old roomate and fraternity brother. Sadly I'm afraid he wasn't sober when he died. He was a 39 yr old single father. His 10yr old son has already lost his mother in a single car DUI about 7yrs ago. Sobriety was quite a bit the topic as Rich (you know him as rcali4233) and I saw lots of our frat brothers at the funeral. Grateful to say we both remained sober as others didn't.
Lastly I was able to accomplish another recovery milestone. I just passed 1yr of not smoking yesterday! Hopefully this long of a stretch won't pass again until I next blog but I know how I am.
All my best
Fishstyx

Happy Independance Day

2009-07-04T09:29:00.000-07:00

Today as I celebrate my country's independance from British rule I realize today is yet another day to celebrate my own independace from chemical rule. 556 days away from alcohol AND 82 days away from cigarettes. I have never been sober this long before but I have quit smoking for longer. Last non smoking run was a little over 8 months. I went back out on St. Patricks Day 3 years ago. Not a good holiday for my war on my addictions. However, I said to my wife this morning that this time feels so different and easier than before. (I wanted to rip poeples arms off and beat them with the stumps) "Really, why do you think that?", she asked. Because quitting smoking in the past was attempted by dependance on all powers human. My own will power, patches, gum and even a hypnotist at $650 an hour. After a little time in AA I can now realize why those things failed me. They were all half measures and availed me nothing. So, if no human power could relieve my alcohol AND cigarette addiction, then what could? Hmmmm.... Oh yah right! God could and would if he were sought. Where have I heard that before?
Happy Safe and Sober 4th all,
>=<(())*> Fish

Expect the unexpected

2009-06-26T08:12:00.000-07:00

I had not one but two disarming tricks played on me by God today. My friend Rich whom you all know as rcali4233.blogspot.com grabbed me before meeting this morning and gave me his 9 month chip. Pretty big for me because I received my 9 months when he started. I pray often for my fraternity bros who I know need what we have. It's a relief for me because I have had a haunting memory wrapped in guilt about a night where I played a part in getting him sent to detox. Now here he is 9 months sober! I wasn't expecting to start crying BEFORE meeting. Thanks a lot Rich! And seriously, thanks a lot.
Next I went into meeting and sat down next to my sponsor and gave him a card because today he was celebrating 20 years. He was chairing the meeting and called on a selected member to start calling off the chip milestones. In our group we do every month up to a year and then each year after that. After he called for anybody celebrating a year my sponsor stopped him and spoke up. I was shocked because something was not going according to plan. My sponsor said he wanted to acknowledge a birthday that our group doesn't normally recognize. He said he had a friend who was celebrating 18 months today. He stood up, hugged me and handed me a coin that has been the hardest one to get yet. I didn't even know it until I held it and sat through the rest of meeting recounting what has occurred in the last 6 months.
As I have blogged recently I have had a cherished friendship of 20 years finish. It was my best friend and brother Dave. He came to my meeting 6 months ago to celebrate and support me as I received my 1 year chip. Now he can barely look at or speak to me. And, he lives across the street. Of all the ideas I had about mending this thing the stupidest was... "Maybe if I go out drinking with him, he would see that this is so important to me I would even sacrifice my sobriety date." Didn't happen don't worry. My pain and anguish over this matter has nearly all left, as I have learned yet again, I'm powerless over other people. Any pain that still occurs for me is a sadness for his pain. I'm not even involved with his turmoil, but I get a front row seat to witness it from across the street.
So, thankfully and gratefully I was able to accept my sponsor's gift of 18 months with an honest, humble and grateful heart. My first sponsor always says, "That's a long time between cocktails" when somebody gets a chip. But, that's a long time between chips when you get used to having one each month. What a long strange trip this has been.
Fishstyx

P.S. Now that I have 18 months does that mean I get a vote at group conscience or do I have to wait 18 years?

Need a meeting and can't

2009-06-23T05:07:00.000-07:00

Work is very busy these days and I have not been able to get to my morning home group. I did get to a meeting in Estes Park Co when my family kidnapped me away for Father's Day. The weekend was great and meeting new drunks who were seeing the world as I was was cool. Anyhow, because of current work circumstances I still can't go but this is what I needed to say with them today.

1.
God
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
2.
Good Morning. My name is Tony and I'm an alcoholic
3.
God
I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!
4. Keep commin back it'll work if you work it!
Then my old friend Jim says, "Cause it probably won't if you don't."

Now off I race to sell the fish.

Two sides of the same coin?

2009-06-16T20:52:00.000-07:00

I in no way mean any disrespect or injury to codependents of alcoholics and abusive relationships. But I have a big question that is gnawing at me. Can I be a codependent as well as an alcoholic? Is there such thing as a codaholic? My wife is a friend of Lois W. and discusses her recovery experience with me freely. Unfortunately, I'm only one of her many alcoholic relationships in her life. From what I'm told she even brags on me to her home group because I'm the only drunk in her life trying to get better. Here is the kicker... I REALLY relate to what she is going through. Aside from her I don't really have any non alcoholic friends. My family is chuck full of abusive personalities and would be considered dry drunks by anybody in either program. My new adopted family are all recovering alcoholics as well. So do I find a different group from my wife? Does Al anon allow crossovers? Is there a special branch of AA for tweeners? I hear about members of my home group going to the other meetings but I'm honestly afraid I'll get stoned in the parking lot when they find me out. (with rocks not pot) The reason I ask is that the closest alcoholic relationship to me is all but finished and I'm sick about what to do. Any and all suggestions, advice or perspectives would be welcome. Unlike my home group, "crosstalk" is encouraged here.
Trying to,
Pickupstyx

Long time no talk

2009-06-14T21:53:00.000-07:00

Hi I missed you. I was realizing that my cousin Ripgurl was probably about at the 1 year mark and I had to check out her blog calendar to see. Watch her blog and give her a shout if you can. Sadly I must admit that I have been taken away from this forum because of my need for immediate response. I have been sucked into all of the nonsense called Facebook. I like to call it the time vampire. Even though I have several members from my home group in my friends list it is really a poor substitute for this. Banana Girl has been around to point out how much time I spend on FB and not here. Sheepishly I have to admit that I arrive back here on my blog because my heart hurts from a fracturing relationship with my best friend. He moved his family across the street from mine and our excitement about all of the great possibilities have been dashed as our kids and wives have come to an impasse. In the past when shit would hit the fan between us the solution was always a good old male bonding drunk fest, finished with a sobbing game of, "You're My Best Friend Man." Now that's off of the table. I am trying to take the understanding, love and tolerance approach with his family and still maintain my family's necessary boundaries but that is easier said than done. I recognize my current feelings of restless irritable and discontent from my first 90 days of sobriety. One of the things that helped was being introduced to you all here by our friend BG. Another was gratitude lists. So here is one I should have done a while ago.

1. Drawing nearly 18 months of sober breaths.
2. My 1st 12 step opportunity just celebrated her first year!
3. My home group who seem to draw closer to me as my old drinking friendships fade.
4. My old drinking friendships who are now also my sober friendships. Love ya RC,Rubble and Paulie.
5. Being able to apply the AA 12 steps to quit smoking for the last 10 weeks.
6. My vegetable garden that allows me to think of all the metaphors gardening has with sobriety. When Bill W. wrote the 4th step he had to have been pulling weeds.
7. I bought my first bible in 35 years. It is a recovery themed bible with countless devotional messages pertaining to recovery.
8. Being well employed in the midst of this economy when so many are not.
9. Facebook because it has put me in touch with people whom I owe amends and connected me with old friends who are now also friends of Bill W.
10. Spending some of the best family time with all my girls that I can ever remember. That closed door of friendship with my buddy has put me and my family together like never before.
Thanks God
Fishstyx

2nd Rod Stamp

2009-04-06T18:39:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to share a cool God shot that happened for me with regards to my last post and my job situation. As I was praying and complaining about my ego being hurt and not getting the raise I felt I deserved, one of my sponsors sponsor called me. I guess you could call him my grandsponsor. He was having a similar situation with work too! I was talking about how my job was so easy for me and I could do it with one lobe tied behind my back. Maybe it was time for me to look for another job with more responsibility and more pay etc. He then pointed out to me that I was reaching a point in my program where new guys were going to be drawn to me to be their sponsor. A good paying job that didn't require tons of my time and mental energy might be just the thing I needed in order to do His work. I had just been blessed by being asked to sponsor one guy already and an old friend who is trying to get sober has asked me for help.
Then I wrote my Cutler post about surrendering my job situation and just waited and prayed. Next morning at meeting it happened. I was approached by another new guy who asked me to sponsor him. He's been around a couple of months so I assumed he was already working with some of the great sobriety gurus of my home group. He listed off several older and wiser members of my home group that were also in the running but he decided on me. I was humbled to be mentioned in the same breath with my morning Zen masters. My first sponsee did this too!
Now I'm excited and anxious with two fish on the line. Not much time to worry about trivial things like raises and promotions all of a sudden. Out here in Colorado if you want to fish with two poles you need to pay extra and get a stamp on your licence. Trouble is when the fish are biting you can have two poles going at once. Which one do I reel first? How do I keep the lines from getting crossed and tangled. Which bait was I using on which hook? AAAAGGGGHHHHH! What a great problem to have. So here I sit after praying about my job and God handed me a mission if I choose to accept it. I think I will before I self destruct. Now I have to be cautious because as an alcoholic I always over indulge. Last thing I need right now is to become the octosponsor.:) Any suggestions about sponsoring multiples out there would be greatly appreciated.
One Fish Two Fish

Pick me coach!

2009-04-04T10:50:00.000-07:00

Well if this whole Cutler drama hasn't shown me the result of ego I don't know what would. Stupid as it may sound, I had to 4th step this scenario. Out of the gate I was down right mad at this budding young star for not accepting what his coach was trying to accomplish for the betterment of the team. I felt I had perfect right to since I'm a season ticket holder. "That little punk is gonna screw up my Broncos! Where does he come off with this temper tantrum? This brat thinks he is bigger than the team and better than Elway!", I have been saying like it was as important as food and air. In shock about my behavior my better half said something I have heard before but conveniently forgot in this case. "Often what we don't like in others is really what we don't like about ourselves", she said. AAAAAGGGGGHHHH, now I was really mad! Dudes don't like it when their wives are right, especially about football. But there it was, like it or not.
My mind was brought to two things about my own life which ashamedly I have to admit are a bit Cutleresque. First, my job has had me in a resentful funk lately. We just had our reviews and all my superiors could say was wow, great, terrific, excellent and model employee. BUT......in light of the current economic climate we are having to go with an across the board pay freeze. POW right in the ego! I told them, "Don't claim salary woes when we all know how much dead weight exists around the office." "Cut them and pay your stars before you loose them", I told the personnel director. Oddly, that didn't get me the raise I felt I deserved. My ego actually began to suggest that others misfortune is what I needed to feel valuable to my company. Now, I feel sick when I think about how they would feel to loose their income in this economy. The company may need to do it anyway irregardless of what I said.
Second, I have spread this discontent and whining around my home group. I am wrongly justified by the search for answers as to why I am so unfairly treated. Just like the rest of the country, we have members of the fellowship who are under and unemployed. With my feelings about multi millionaire Cutler I can only imagine how much resentment I have generated amongst the characters I call my new family. After these ego shots I know that there is a way out and that way is service. So, I've signed up to volunteer for a local charity that could use my culinary skills to help feed families who have fallen on harder times than not getting their raise.

Fish

Sober St. Patrick's day #2

2009-03-17T21:33:00.000-07:00

No great wisdom to share here but I just wanted to tell about a miracle. This alcoholic mic has just went through another St.Patrick's day clean. I actually went to the pub and laughed with my friends. I went there with another one of OUR friends rcali4233. The obsession of the drink was not there but it was nice to be there with another sober alcoholic. Strength in numbers. Thanks RC.
O'Fish

Fishstyx: Sober St. Patrick's Day Servie To Others

2009-03-14T17:56:00.000-07:00

Fishstyx: Sober St. Patrick's Day Servie To Othershttp://www.stbaldricks.org/home/referral.php?Ref=L3BhcnRpY2lwYW50cy9zaGF2ZWVfaW5mby5waHA/UGFydGljaXBhbnRLZXk9MjAwOS0zMzQ3NDY=

Sober St. Patrick's Day Servie To Others

2009-03-14T17:31:00.000-07:00

This is my big hair I've been growing since last St.Patrick's Day. Why post this Nick Nolte like mugshot of myself? I am just getting the word out about a fundraiser I'm doing called St.Baldrick's Foundation. I have been doing this event for 3 years in honor of my mom who loved kids and died from cancer. Participants raise awareness and money for children's cancer by shaving their head. In my drinking years I showed off my Irish heritage on St. Patrick's by getting insanely drunk. In fact, one year I thought it would be a good idea to mix it up with my best friend. The result was a broken wrist and a friendship that is still mending. Last year marked my first sober St. Patrick's Day and my bald dome was a much more fulfilling expression of my Irish roots. If you are so inclined to help me with a TAX DEDUCTIBLE donation please visit the link below. Mostly, please include the afflicted children and families in your prayers. I am thankful each day that my children's health is not a worry for me.
Thanks,
O'Fish
http://www.stbaldricks.org/home/referral.php?Ref=L3BhcnRpY2lwYW50cy9zaGF2ZWVfaW5mby5waHA/UGFydGljaXBhbnRLZXk9MjAwOS0zMzQ3NDY=

Why Can't Sobriety Be Like The Matrix?

2009-03-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

I asked my sponsor today why can't my sobriety be like The Matrix? I am frustrated right now because I have a ton of willingness and desire to have emotional sobriety but no idea how to get it. As a child of the rapid information transmission age I am quite impatient for the changes I think I need and want. In The Matrix, our young hero Neo would find himself in a jam and just call up for a program to be downloaded into him. He would just sit there and twitch as he was programed with helicopter pilot instructions, kung fu and any skill he felt was lacking at the moment. If he wanted I'll bet he could have become more musically gifted than Mozart. I think of this and pray, "God just get in my brain and fix it so I can be happy, helpful and useful for all the loved ones in my life." Want to know what the problem with that is? I'm not a computer. I'm a human that was made just the way He wants me. My brain may be computer like but I have been given a soul which learns through real life experience and contact with God. A computer can display images of beautiful scenery, but it never smiles and weeps over the pure beauty of a sunset on the Rocky Mountains. A computer can describe how the game of soccer is played or show diagrams of the perfect softball swing. But that computer will never feel the exhilaration and joy as my little girl puts the ball in the back of the net or makes effortless contact between bat and ball. A computer can go to utube and show a reel of Swan Lake, but it would never have a single tear as my baby girl beams and prances about in her tutu. A computer can help you find a date on match.com, but it can never feel the butterflies in the pit of your stomach as you lock eyes with your soul mate from across the room for the first time. A computer can help you write and find the right words to say for a eulogy. However, it definitely can not publicly display the emotion of pain for a lost mother. To have these wonderful gifts one must be human. Slower processes but infinitely greater gifts. Today and every day I need to pray for the patience required to learn in God's time and on his terms.
Fish

Outward expression of an inward desire

2009-03-04T09:19:00.000-08:00

This is my new tattoo! It says, "We will not regret the past nor whish to shut the door on it."p.83BB The reason I chose this phrase and symbol is because the circle/triangle is exactly the same as my fraternity in college. Some of my most storied drunkalogs took place at this time. When first starting AA I really regreted those lost years. Now I am thankful for them because it has put me in a unique position to 12 step two of my fraternity brothers(and hopefully more). Also, it turns out my new sponsee went to college with me but we never knew it. All of it has allowed me to be of service in His plan. The results of that have been far greater than any I have tried to direct all on my own.
Your greatful drunk frat boy,
Fish

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater

2009-02-11T20:19:00.000-08:00

Yet again I have been away too long. My in laws have been visiting my family and company seems to take away all free time. This trip for them was my first opportunity to work my amends with them. I didn't come right out and say, "I'm on a new path with the help of AA and I'm sorry for any distress I may have caused you knowing your daughter was married to an alcoholic like me." (However, that is how I played it out in my head in one long run on sentance:) They were aware that I was going to meetings and had been sober for just over a year, but that was about it. I thought the best way for me to show them that things were better now, for their daughter and grandchildren, was to be subservient and subdued as best as I could be. Unfortunately, that's not my normal demeanor and basically not me. My father in law was up every day early having coffee as I proudly raced off each morning to home group. "Again? You just went yesterday", he said surprised but not condemning. I was so greatful to show proof of how dedicated I was. He probably didn't think twice about it, to this drunks disappoitment, because it's not all about me. As their visit went on we got to talk about my kids and what issues and challenges they had. I expressed great worry about my oldest daughter because I see too much of myself in her. She is always intense and trips over herself trying to make sure everybody approves of her. He said, "That's O.K. you two are intense people but look at what gets done because you guys are that way." He put his hand on my shoulder and added, "This world needs people like you in it!" I smiled and walked away because my eyes welled up with tears of relief. From that point on I came out of my self imposed shell to show all the extroverted, gregarious sides of my personality. Several laughs ensued amongst us after that. When their trip ended and we were shuttling them to the airport he turned to me in the car with a smile. "Tony, I want to wish you continued success with your group class thing you are involved with", he said in his most proper baritone voice. After they left I thought long and hard about all of the things that I have been trying to throw out for fear that everything about me was a character defect. Maybe that has been my problem all along. I have been the one deciding what is a defect instead of letting God decide. I'll try and have faith that He will let me know what is of value and what isn't. But mostly, how best to use it in service to Him!
Love ya miss ya
Fish

I'm back!

2009-02-02T14:05:00.000-08:00

Wow been a while. Feels like I do when I am missing from home group for a while. I didn't know that my blogging had become so much a part of my treatment plan. I'm fortunate enough to know a blogging friend of ours in the real world and she keeps an eye on me. When I see her I'm reminded that I need to say hello to you all out there. I haven't been moved to write anything lately but I'll just let you in on my top 10 thankful for list for today.
10. I have recently been asked to be a sponsor.
9. The lessons of my first sponsor have been echoing louder in my head as I try to pass them on.
8. I have a new sponsor who I am learning new things from.
7. No compulsion to drink at a Superbowl party last night.
6. I am on vacation from work.
5. I have a job I have remained successful at even though I have this disease.
4. I attended a great funeral in support of a coworker and was able to be touched by a life I never knew.
3. I'm blessed to be the parent of two incredible personalities that teach me so much about myself.
2. I just had my 10yr wedding anniversary and year 11 looks like it is off to a great start.
1. I'm a sober member of A.A.

Fish

Run Duck and Hide

2009-01-21T21:23:00.000-08:00

Why does night time have to be so hard? Why does any of this have to be? Lately, all I have found to be easy is a moment in time each day at 6:45am. Upon Awakening home group. For this drunk it is nothing short of paradise. Bad jokes, bad coffee, stale donuts, stale drunks, peace, love and understanding. Then poof it all disappears and I'm there left to face this thing alone. I have come a long way only to realize that I have only reached the top of a false peak. It was a long and exhausting climb to here but now before me is yet another peak to climb. The terrain doesn't look any better either. I don't want to quit this life yet and I am not afraid of a good challenging test. But, can't I just get a second to catch a breath? I know this is all just emotional vomit. I'm just really in a funk and pity party and I can't seem to find the doorway out. Still sober and that's good but man do I really hate myself and this disease lately. Mostly because I've been such an asshole to live with and the people who make me the happiest run, duck and hide from me. The grouch and the brainstorm are living here lately. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but if it does, this drunk could use some advice. And, some sleep. I'll check you all tomorrow.
Fish

Miracle on the Hudson

2009-01-16T07:21:00.000-08:00

As many of you have probably seen in the news there was a disaster averted yesterday on the Hudson river. A jetliner hit a flock of geese killing both engines. The well trained pilot perfectly set the plane down in the frigid Hudson river. The result was NO FATALITIES. All reports about the procedures he followed were described as textbook. One of the main things credited was his training in gliders at the Air Force Academy. Was God there? Of course He was. However I didn't see in any footage a giant mystical hand gracefully take an air bus and set it down safely. The crew calmly and efficiently did all things necessary for the best outcome possible. Looking at just the facts it would seem that God wasn't there at all, it was all human intervention. But, what went through the minds of the pilot and crew? Did they not meet calamity with serenity? They must have because imagine the result had they freaked out and panicked! Honestly who could have blamed them if they did. Only a trained, heightened yet calm state of mind allowed them to utilize their learned tools in the face of such powerlessnes . Speaking as an alcoholic who has had many disastrous water landings when my life was unmanageable and out of control, I am now gifted with The Promises (p.84 Big Book) After 12 steps out of misery I find that I too have moments where I intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle me and that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. The only human intervention into my recovery is deciding to do steps and go to meeting so that I will have the training to act appropriately as His instrument. I can now help bring serenity where there is calamity and know peace. That my friends is as much a miracle as any plane floating on a river. Am I a pilot who could safely crash land a plane? No, but I did go to an AA meeting last night! :)

Happy landings

Fish

Policing The Grounds

2009-01-09T20:40:00.000-08:00

I heard a woman in meeting today describing her relapse and said that it started weeks before she took a drink. When I was new I heard that but it didn't resonate. Probably because I was just starting to clear my head. This time it hit me. I realized that I had been heading for a relapse myself because my emotional and spiritual well being were not being well tended to by me. Since my last chip and all the hoopla, my pendulum has swung back hard and swift. My service position was handed off to the next person and the need for me to get bananas and doughnuts to the meeting every morning was no longer there. The thought that maybe I could start sleeping in a little or even miss a meeting sounded good. After all, hadn't I really worked my butt off in this last year? My family has been so supportive. Didn't they deserve to have me at home on a Sat. morning? Wanna know what was wrong with those seemingly logical ideas? They were thought up in the brain of this alcoholic. My sponsor likes to quote me things from the BB. In listening to my description of this funk he just said, "Cunning, baffling, powerful." He then added, "AND patient!" My meeting attendance is back where it was when I was new and desperate. Probably because I am a bit desperate again and it worked the first time. I also remembered service is what did it even before I was the group snack mom. The first service I started doing for my home group and the church host of our meeting was to police the grounds for all the cigarette butts as I smoked mine. I looked around the ground yesterday after the meeting and saw the evidence that I had been taking off too much time. So began my policing the grounds again. New year-old job-felt better-that simple. Moral of the story? Keep my butt clean and I will probably stay sober. ;)

God Bless,
Smoked Fish

Survivor Guilt

2009-01-03T07:24:00.000-08:00

Here I sit 373 days sober. Had a great 1 year meeting a few days ago. My home group had wonderful things to say about me in front of my family and best friend, who attended their 1st meeting in my honor. I am struck at this point with a ton of gratitude for my gifts that I have before and after sobriety. However I find myself in a low spot. Why? Because I have great hurt in my heart for people whom I love that are still suffering from the same affliction I had. When the wreckage I caused sent my life in a downward spiral I would curse God and say, "Why me?" Now I have cleared the drinking problem and have the opportunity to work on my spiritual salvation and continue working on my emotional sobriety. As I reflect on the reprieve I am given I now beg God, "Why me?" My wife who loves me and sees the best in me becomes irritated and says, "Because, why NOT you?" I have barely been able to save my own skin but somehow I find it justifiable to ride around on my white horse rescuing all the drunks I know and love. All the while I can't just feel good and deserving about my own sobriety. My sponsor at this point would invoke the description, "Egomaniac with an inferiority complex." Please feel free to shed any light on this if you please. Love and tolerance is our code. I think today I'll pray to apply that to the drunk I know the best.
God be with us today
Fish

Life is an oyster

2008-12-31T13:48:00.000-08:00

Among my chef buddies we have always said that an oyster is the perfect appetizer for a kitchen. It requires no cooking and is quick to prepare. It requires no salt or seasoning. It even comes with its own sauce and serving dish. All you have to do is open up. There is also a added bonus.... sometimes you find a pearl if you open up enough. What I'm about to tell you is no joke and not a public service announcement for the seafood industry to promote buying more oysters. (but if you do please see your favorite fishmonger :)
Last year after my rotten Xmas gift to my family (passed out dad on the couch) I started my sobriety. No AA yet, just good old fashioned white knuckle sobriety. I took my wife out to a nice New Years Eve dinner and ordered some cranberry pineapple cocktails. They looked like the real thing and I was showing my wife that I wasn't a real alcoholic just a sad binge drinker. (HA HA yeah right) We ordered and I selected oysters 1/2 shell for my appetizer. My wife had something else since raw oysters make her think of a bad sinus infection. Six perfectly chilled oysters were set before me. All mine and the Mrs. didn't know what she was missing. Slurp, slurp, slurp, slurp, slurp, slur... OUCH! My tooth was ringing as something inedible rattled around my mouth. Into my palm I spit an itsy bitsy little pearl. "Hey this must mean something", I told my wife. We had a good laugh at the coincidence. First stop drinking then find a pearl. You can conclude the obvious metaphors here but I'll draw one of mine out for you. As I have opened up more and more this year in our fellowship I have found pearls, gems and all sorts of the precious metals of my life. Too countless to write and certainly no way they could have all fit into 2008! Yet they did.
Have a Happy Safe Sober New Years Eve everybody. May God bless all your shucking in 2009!

Fish

Service=records

2008-12-30T19:05:00.000-08:00

O.K. not for praise just wanted to show an example of how this whole thing has changed my life. As I may have posted before I'm a former chef and now work for a seafood company as a sales person. In years past with this job I have always been irritated, disgusted and full of contempt for my customers who didn't know food and fish as well as I did. Instead of teaching and educating I always let my customers know how much they didn't know and how much I did. Not the best sales pitch in case you were wondering. I have always done alright in my job. Mostly because my company was about the only game in town if anybody needed seafood in Colorado. I'm doggedly persistent with them but it was sort of a captured audience. Anyway since starting this program my attitude toward my customers has gone about 180 degrees the other way. Most of my customers are lacking education past 8th grade or are immigrants with English as their 2nd language. Early last year I started praying for love and tolerance for my fellow man. God granted me that request. I found that as I started asking questions about them personally I really started to see that they were so frustrated about their station in life. The struggles they faced were depressing but I found that most of them were here in this country trying to break a chain of poverty for their families. I was able to identify deeply with them since I was on that same mission. I do the job I do for the same reason. I am fixing myself with this fellowship so that I can be a better, happier and more present example for my family than I had. I always hear at meeting to look for the similarities more than the differences. I had to rush off to work one day after hearing that at meeting. A light bulb moment happened as I mentally prepared for work on my drive from meeting. Maybe those principles I whole hearted and emphatically nodded at in meeting might actually work in the real world? DUH TONY! Needless to say they started working and my customers began to respond. Oddly I started to outsell my coworkers. I am now glad to report that when the year finishes tomorrow I will have sold more than 6 million $. My company has been around for 90 years and that has never happened. That is a lofty number (especially for seafood in the middle of Colorado) and I can only take credit for being willing to open my eyes and ears to the God sent messages I have received in this program. I'm not saying that God cares if I sell more fish but he does care that I'm a better caretaker of myself and His other children along this journey. Currently that is translating into success at work. Just wanted to share how things are much better now than before. Nowadays I guess I'm just a fisher of men cause I do better at following Him! :)
Gratefully in His grace
Tony Fishstyx

Newbie

2008-12-30T18:48:00.000-08:00

Hi all. Please check out my cousin's blog ripgurl. pommomma.blogspot.com I'd put the link to it on mine if I knew how. I tried to leave her a post but her blog doesn't have that yet. I'll bug her so we all can give her a hello and welcome. If you read this cousin then welcome to the blogfam. Stay close to the center of the heard. It is the outer circles that get picked off by the wolves.

New personal record

2008-12-26T19:40:00.000-08:00

Well there it was. One year sober. I'm only a few hours into my new personal record and have so many people to thank. If you are reading this you are one of the many who helped me get here. Be prepared because I'll be needing you again tomorrow as I shoot for 366 days! I want to especially thank some certain people.
1. My therapist who helped me work out all of these emotional muscles that were atrophied from lack of use.
2. Upon Awakening. My 6:45am home group. The most serenity before 8:00am than most people have all day.
3. My forgiving, patient and wise sponsor who helped me rediscover God and come to know Him in my own way.
4. Banana Girl who taught me to not be so hard on myself and showed me a love that helped me feel safe as I grieved the loss of my mother.
5. Charles who took me under his wing and rooted for me every day.
6. The Wiseguys who started this journey with me and are my new frat brothers.
7. The greatest wife ever known to man. She has worked as hard as I have through this all.
8. Two special little girls who have been a reminder each day what a gift my life is if I work for it.
9. Tony Fishstyx for pulling his head out and working working working.
10. God. What a relief it is to have you in my heart again.

Flying high

2008-12-23T20:33:00.000-08:00

Work is crazy busy right now but I've had a story to tell and now I finally have a few moments to spill. As I wrote earlier my trip to San Fran was full of great gifts and tremendous healing. The final chapter of that jaunt came on the plane back to Denver. Let me just start by saying I have always HATED flying. Something that heavy should not be up in the air, I can't see who the pilot is to pass judgement on and so on and so forth. Anyway, we were nearly home as I stood in line for the restroom in the back of the plane. The pilot called back to the steward and told him to get the other attendants and prepare for some rough weather over the Rockies. I slipped into the restroom, did my business, and as I unlocked the door the plane went BOOM. My feet came off of the floor a foot and then we got slammed hard to the right. The steward looked at me all freaked out and said, "JUST SIT THERE IN MY JUMP SEAT!" I plunked down and held on to anything I could get my hands on. The plane did a fast drop in altitude and I found myself floating up off of the seat. The steward dove across the cabin and grabbed my waist. He held me down and got a seat belt on me. Then I held on to him as he got buckled. The engine wined and stopped several times. I heard people shouting out pleas to God and bawling as they did foxhole prayers. The steward looked at me with his eyes bulging out and said, "Are you O.K.?" I didn't respond but I thought this guy flies all the time and he's losing it. This is not right. This must be it. Coffee pots, trash cans and anything not nailed down flew at us in every direction in the back cabin. I felt an adrenaline rush start and I knew I was about have a real panic attack. Then a funny thought popped into my head, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." (I said it just like that with no pauses or punctuation) I then realized that this was in God's hands now. I knew in my heart that if he took me right then that I wasn't condemned to hell and that he would watch over my wife and girls. I knew peace at that moment and accepted that I was along for the ride wherever that was. 10 minutes later we must have crossed the Rockies and started our descent into DIA. It was still bumpy but calm enough for me to walk back to my seat. As I ping ponged back down the rows of seats people were holding their rosaries, professing their love for each other and crying. I was almost whistling and grinning from ear to ear. Soon the tires screeched on the runway and a collective sigh came from us all. The light went DING and the payload arose and said nothing as several of us prepared for our much deserved smoke. Maybe because I'm new and dumb God felt it necessary to hit me with a 2x4 so I could realize this most profound lesson? But did He have to hit so hard?
God bless and safe travels this holiday season,
Fishstyx

Clearence with room to spare

2008-12-16T18:03:00.000-08:00

There are lots of pithy and annoying phrases I have learned since joining the fellowship. I think why they are annoying is that they are cliche but true nonetheless. However, there is one that speaks such truths and makes me laugh every time, "You're pole vaulting over mouse turds!" That is exactly what I did on my recent trip to San Fran. Two days for a funeral. I took every AA book I had, phone lists, speaker meetings downloaded on my iPod and a schedule of every meeting from San Francisco to San Jose. I was way too nervous about leaving my comfort zone and falling victim to a relapse. Lugging all that crap around helped keep me focused on my mission but you want to know what really helped? Step 12 "Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics." This was my unexpected gift when I ventured out to attend my uncle's funeral. I was worried about my sobriety on so many levels while being geographicly separated from my home group, yet I knew it was the right thing to show support for my family. I knew I had one cousin whom I have spent many chances drinking with that was working a non AA program to maintain sobriety. He has a little over a year and a half of continuous sobriety. We spoke about how each others program was working. The fortunate surprise was getting to discus and help another cousin who was like my big sister growing up. If you asked her I'm sure she would describe me like an ANNOYING little brother! She has been sober for 5 months all on her own and since I have kept all of my monthly chips I was able to pass on my 5 month chip to her. I told her how proud I was of her and I felt so much less alone in the family. 3 out of 6 cousins admitting they have a problem with alcohol...hmmm think there might be some hereditary links there? Oh, we just happen to be Irish too! Gratefully I can report that I returned home just as sober as I left. While the chips, books, iPod and even my lucky Notre Dame hat were all great reminders, the real trick came when I prayed and asked God to help. He presented me with family just like me. Thanks Shawn and Kris you drunks:)
God bless us all
Fishstyx

Out on a limb

2008-12-09T19:45:00.000-08:00

I have a trip planned for this Thursday night to San Francisco. I will be attending my uncle's funeral. I am going by myself and don't know if I will be able to attend a meeting. Just two days away. I have been without a meeting for longer than that at home. Somehow this feels different. I want to be there to pay my respects but I am really afraid of how much of my mother's passing is going to come up in me. I know that all of my pain is just under the surface since I delt with it by getting numb a year and a half ago. I have one cousin who is in recovery and his sobriety is without the steps. I have another cousin who is dry and stong enough to get there on her own. I have been attending meetings, praying, talking to other alcoholics but I find myself very restless, irritable and discontent. My sponsor is a very busy man and I don't like to bother him. Maybe it is time for a call?

New memories

2008-12-07T17:42:00.000-08:00

I spent the weekend with my family creating some new Christmas season memories. I do not like crowds with my kids. Usually I try and keep the family at home where I can keep an eye on them and be male macho protector. Easier to do when I control the perimeter. With a leap of faith I went along with my wife's plan to watch the parade of lights in downtown Denver. My head was on a swivel glaring at anybody who smiled at my two beautiful little girls. I was tense and wanted a drink bad! It didn't help that all I could smell was the schnapps coming off every body's breath in the chilly night air. Alone in the crowd I closed my eyes and prayed. I didn't pray not to drink. I prayed that I could relax with my family so we all could enjoy the time together. As I opened my eyes all I saw was my little bug's pale white face all lit up with the glow of the lights. I teared up as I saw how much I was missing. Slowly I felt the fear of stranger danger leave as I allowed myself to feel the joy my kids were experiencing. I had to tell my wife how thankful I was she had planned all of this. I also had to do the hardest thing......
Admit she was right! Boy my wife must love AA.
Peace
Fishstyx

Sober 1st's

2008-12-03T21:19:00.000-08:00

I was just on my buddy Rich's blog and was reminded, in this my 1st year, of a big 1st for me. I was drunk as hell on my mother's birthday last year. Mostly because the rest of the world didn't want to stop everything and mourn that there wouldn't be anymore birthdays for her. This year I'm celebrating Dec 4th in a pretty cool way. Each month my home group hosts nightwatch on the 1st Thursday. The Denver central office shuts down at 5:00pm and calls get routed out to other alcoholics. Tomorrow it is at my house. Several people from group show up with munchies and mostly we just shoot the manure. As the calls come in we try to answer peoples questions about AA and what we do or how we can help. Please pray for a drunk in need tomorrow because I sure could stand getting out of my own head.
Peace
Fishstyx

What's in a name?

2008-12-02T19:28:00.000-08:00

I feel compelled to state why the name Fishstyx. I'm a member of this quartet of guys that started in my home group all around the same time. Us newbies formed a little bond as we looked out for each other in those early months. My sponsor said since I was an old frat boy we should come up with nick names for each other and our little club. Two of the guys are from back east and always made mafia references to me since my name is Tony. I'm a former chef now working for a seafood company and that somehow got me named Tony Fish Sticks. One guy is a book salesman and avid reader named John. He became Johnny bag 'o books. Then there's my first friend in AA, Mikey the Goose. Last but not least, my friend Bob, who slipped and had to get a new sobriety date and take a couple of chips a 2nd time. He became Bobby 2 times. The four of us have traveled some rough road together over these last few months and have all come out on the other side to tell the story. I will always remember our little crew of Wiseguys for the rest of my life.
Now my question to you all is...
If we were to open up the books to let you into our little AA mob, what would your nick name be?
Tony Fishstyx

How I got here pt.4

2008-12-01T21:29:00.000-08:00

Final stretch, hang in there with me. The final chapter of my drinking starts with my mom's passing, March 8th 2007. Even though I was raised with a large extended family my mom was my only world. Her death has been the most painful thing I may ever know. In true alcoholic form I dealt with it in a bottle as often as I could. To boot I couldn't sleep so I was drinking bottles of NyQuil to conk out. Expectantly, holidays have been especially hard. Thanksgiving '07 I cooked for friends, cried and drank drank drank. Her birthday Dec. 4th '07 I cried and drank over it because nobody seamed to care she would have been 63. Christmas '07 I tried to hold on until we were visited by some neighbors. I started drinking with them and I don't remember how the night ended up. The next day my wife told me my oldest daughter tried to kiss me goodnight but she couldn't understand what I was saying. "Why is dad talking so funny?", she asked. My wife told me she couldn't keep doing this anymore. I was humbled and humiliated. My wife didn't yell at me or seem to get mad, just sad. Maybe she knew how good I was at doing it to myself. I never had a dad and have always wanted to be the best one in the world because of that. Now look what I had done. Upon learning this my therapist suggested I join the ranks of AA or visit her 3 times a week. Looking for the easier softer way(HA!) I called central office and got 12 stepped by a total stranger. He took me to my 1st meeting, and as nervous as I was, the moment I said, "My name is Tony and I'm an Alcoholic", I felt a wash come over me. I finally had hope this life might actually end up being o.k. It was a comfort I only remember as a child in my mother's arms. I probably was right then. That was a little over 11 months ago. I know it is supposed to be one day at a time but I'm getting a little excited for the day after Christmas when I get my 1 year chip and start breaking my old record 24 hrs at a time.
Whew! That felt good to get out.
Thanks
Tony Fishstyx

How I got here pt.3

2008-12-01T20:40:00.000-08:00

Remember I said the the greatest thing? Well due to the fact I had to stay dry for one year I became every body's favorite designated driver. I went everywhere I used to go and hauled my drunk buddies around. Without drinking I resorted to my other favorite pastime, people watching. One fateful night I got caught staring at this one girl. I was embarrassed but I still didn't stop trying to make a connection. Without booze my courage was absent and my friends and I decided to leave. A much more suave friend of mine knew what was up and decided to help a bro out. He called this girl over and made the introductions. After that we dated for about 2 years and got married on Jan. 30 1999.
When my year of dry sobriety was up the party was on. 365 days and 10 minutes I had a drink in hand AT THE SAME BAR I WAS STABBED AT! My friends cheered my triumphant return. I thought that being off the sauce that long would make me a lightweight again. Sadly, I was not born again. As usual I put the entire gang to bed. Many funny,dumb, stupid and sad drunk stories took place until my wedding. How she ever said, "I do" is a wonder to me now. Thank God she held on to me because we now have 2 beautiful and incredible girls.

My drinking has gone up and down since meeting my wife as I have tried to do the good dad thing. Sometimes well and sometimes not so well. We have had some pretty heart breaking things happen to our family heath wise and liquor kept me numb through it. It has done nothing but harm to those who have needed me to be clear during our families rough patches.

How I got here pt.2

2008-12-01T19:38:00.000-08:00

College was the greatest gift of my life at that time. Escape from a household of shame and punishment. Due to being so poor there was no shortage of government $ to send me to higher learning. Grants and loans suddenly had me with disposable cash most of my peers envied. Guess who bought the booze? I was notorious and imfamous for the tabs I would pick up. I still ran at college but without my taskmaster uncle to appease I finally quit my sophomore year.
The only logical move for a budding young alcoholic after that was to join a fraternity! Now it was on. What a wonderful environment. Booze, Brotherhood and Booze. (Bet you thought the 3rd "B" was gonna be Brauds:) We drank and fought and drank and fought. At some point those fools even saw fit to elect me president. I had arrived!
Along with my alcoholism I am also a workaholic. I supplemented my drinking habit in college by working in a restaurant. It was an easy fit since I had been working in restaurants since I was 11. After a few semesters of partying, work and school there just wern't enough hours in the day. Somthing had to give. Betcha can't guess what went? :) I worked hard and played hard. All the while dismissing that I had a problem. I was an excellent chef and alcoholics were bums with cardboard signs. That wasn't me I'd say.
It was in those restaurant/fraternity years when the greatest and worst thing ever happened to me. One night I was at a bar with friends when a really drunk girl got confrontational with my friends and me. At first it was funny as she slurred and made no sense. She swung at me as I taunted her. She and her boyfriend were tossed out as my friends and I kept drinking. At closing time we all poured out of the bar. Guess who was waiting? As she started to scream and yell at me I returned several unkind words back. The boyfriend took exception and produced a set of brass knuckles with a knife attached. Calmly and quickly he punched me right in the gut. I went to swing back at him and fell to my knees. I looked down to see blood gushing out. As I was scooped into a car and rushed off I saw as a big group of my friends/aquiatences mob them both into thier van. I woke up in a hospital bed with an incision from my ribcage to below my navel. The doctor came in and said, "You almost didn't make it. We gave you 8 units of blood and did exploitory surgery. Your liver was lacerated." My mom sat there and wept and all I could say was I'm sorry. I was released from the hospital 2 weeks later. At discharge the Doc said to me I would mend because the liver is the only organ that repairs itself. However, I had to not drink for 1 year.

How I got here pt.1

2008-12-01T18:21:00.000-08:00

I have been suffering from terminal uniqueness for most of my life until entering AA. The names, dates and events of my life have their own flair but the longer I sat around the rooms I started to see creepy and comforting similarities with the fellowship of drunks I now call family. I am an only child of my recently deceased mother. I was brought up in an extremely religious household. My mom and I lived with my grandparents and two bachelor uncles. Grandpa was an extreme fundamentalist evangelical minister. I had all sorts of church in my childhood and a strongly enforced belief of a judgemental and punitive God. I rarely measured up to His grace according to my folks. However, that didn't ever get me out of the lead role in all sorts of church youth productions! I think I first played Joseph at age 5. My Mary was 12. If I only could have appreciated that then.:)
At 4yrs old one of my uncles used to let me tag along with him down at the local high school track while he ran. That was just prior to the jogging craze of the 70's. It wasn't long before I was right in step with him. He never took the chance to express many of his own talents but really latched onto mine. Soon he was dropping me off miles from home and insisting I get my training done. I became moderately known in the running circles as I started to win lots of local races. By the time I was 13 I was totally burnt out. Due to a rigid training schedule I had few friends.
We were extremely poor and always lived in the rough side of town. I was the only white kid around and always felt like the outsider at home and at school. THEN THE MIRACLE HAPPENED! One of the tough but cool kids was drinking a bottle of peppermint schnapps on the back of the bus and motioned the bottle toward me. He was just trying to mess with me since the belief was that I was some prude church kid who was dedicated to making the Olympics. I however, saw this as my chance. Gulp Gulp Gulp. The warmth came over me as I felt my shoulders relax for probably the first time in 13 years. The gasps of the crowd were followed by neck hugs and high fives. I was cool.
Off I went through Jr. High and High School. Never drinking during cross country or track season but lead the charge anytime else. Friends would ponder how a skinny runner could put so much away. "He's a fine tuned machine." "His metabolism is better because of how much he runs." Then one kid, who's parents were always drunk or missing from school functions said, "Naw he's an alcoholic!" That was the 1st time I heard the truth but quickly dismissed it.

Here we go post #1

2008-11-29T20:53:00.000-08:00

Hello computer age! I will start by saying I hate technology. However, I have had a couple of friends who blog about their sobriety and I have really seen how it would benefit me as well. I could keep a diary but I don't think my manhood could withstand that. It's much cooler to say you have a blog! I'll start by putting out there that I am 39yrs old, wife and two little girls. I have been sober since Dec.26th 2007. Yeah check your calendars. That is the day after Christmas. I'll tell that story when I have more time. This is mostly just a test to see if i have this whole blog thing down.
Peace
Fishstyx